ARTICLE - The Day I Wanted to End My Life
I am known among my friends as an extremely positive person. Often, I will get a call from my friends when they need a positive outlook or just a word of encouragement for their bad day. And I always have one as I have a special gift to be able to find the beauty and goodness in life. My father taught me how to have a optimistic view no matter what your circumstances. He was even a die-hard Chicago Cubs fan!! (If you aren't aware, the Cubs baseball team has not won a world series in 103 years, the longest drought in history). When Dad was alive, he was a true believer that some day he would see them win it all. He never did get to see it.
My optimism has served me well in many aspects of my life much more importantly than rooting for the home team. It has been extremely valuable in dealing with the destructive chronic pain condition I have had for the last 26 years. Living an Organic and Orgasmic Life was born out of the optimism of finding my path with this painful condition and learning to embrace it all without judgement and feel the juiciness. This has been how I have approached the pain since tapering off all the heavy medications almost 7 years ago.
But just last week, I woke with a painful flair of inflammation in my joints that sent me over the edge of optimism and into the deepest and darkest place I have ever felt. It wasn't even the worst pain I have ever experienced, but I was SO tired of the experience of pain in my body on this day and I had no hopeful thoughts or positivity in my mind. During the entire 24 hour period, I was just so tired of the f…ing roller coaster of pain. I had so much anger and sadness in me that I screamed and cried for most of the day which created an inner exhaustion and extreme fatigue. I asked the angels to take me to the other side and put me out of my misery. I felt like I had lived lifetimes of pain, and it was enough! I was seriously ready to take my own life…I even thought about how I would do it.
Now I can see that, on that day last week in all the raw pain and despair, it actually allowed me to access more of my inner world that I had not previously wanted to look at. You've heard there is much to learn in the darkness, and now I have an up close and personal experience of this truth.
As my dear housemates surrounded me with love that evening, I saw a glimmer of the old me as they filled me with acknowledgement and appreciation for who I BE. I went to bed that night without much relief from the morning pain. However, the next morning I woke up and it had moved through my body like I had not experienced without the very toxic but powerful drug, prednisone.
We all have pain…emotional, physical , spiritual, etc. After all, we are humans who love to suffer. I don't want you to live in suffering, and I also don't want you to ignore the truth of pain. What I learned on this special day in my life was that once I accepted and surrendered to what was without any resistance, the pain had nothing to hold onto in my body and so it was released. Sounds rather organic and orgasmic, wouldn't you say?
What pain do you need to release to lighten your load?
Tags: inner pain, pain, surrender
