A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herman, I just hear on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"
A man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
"Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife apprears out of nowhere."
A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"
The daughter shook her head sadly.
"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied. "That's exacly what he asked me about you."
A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and bees.
"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.:Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Clause at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex. I've got nothing left to believe in!"
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.
"I would do anything to pass this exam." She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean…" she whispers, "…I would do…anything."
He returns her gaze, "Anything?"
His voice softens. "Anything??"
His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you…study?"
An eighty year old couple decide to try for a child. (I know, crazy already!!)
They visit the doctor who asks the man to produce a sperm sample in a bottle.
After two weeks, the couple return and the bottle is empty.
"What's the problem?' asks the doctor.
"Well," says the man, "First, I tried it with my right hand, then my left. Then my wife tried it with her right hand, then her left. Then she tried it with her teeth in and with her teeth out, and we still can't get the lid off the bloody bottle."
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat?"
Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do.
Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.
Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it!"
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself.
"Yeah," say Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"
A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "Dad, it's called the twist!"