What a woman says: " This place is a mess. C'mon, you and I need to clean up. Your stuff is lying on the floor, and you'll have no clothes to wear if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears: "blah, blah, blah, blah C'mon blah, blah, blah, blah, you and I blah, blah, blah, on the floor blah, blah, blah, no clothes blah, blah, blah, blah, right now!
A woman had some problems, so she went to her doctor of twenty years. They had the following conversation:
Dr. Take the red pill after breakfast with one glass of water.
Woman: Ok
Dr. Take the blue pill after lunch with two glasses of water.
Woman: Ok
Dr. Take the yellow pill after lunch with three glasses of water.
After giving these instructions to the woman, she asks, "Can you tell me what's wrong with me Dr.?"
Dr.: Yeah. You do not drink enough water.
IT'S ALL IN THE WATER!!
A man was walking on the beach one day and he found a bottle half buried in the sand. He decided to open it. Inside was a genie.
The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes and three wishes only."
The man thought about his first wish and decided, "I think I want 1 million dollars transferred to a Swiss bank account. POOF!
Next he wished for a Ferrari red in colorr. POOF! There was the car sitting before him.
He asked for his final wish, "I wish I was irresitible to women." POOF! He turned into a box of chocolates.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.Thanks Conrad King for sharing the funny!
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom.
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
"Miss Beatrice," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this." He pointed to the bowl.
"Oh yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease."
"Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
Women are being called to drop into their feminine energy, and assist in returning the planet back into health.
It starts with you, extends to your relationships, and then affects how we treat the earth and environment.
The following link will connect you with an opportunity to take a journey into your own inner beauty. What you find there will delight and amaze you!
A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves.
Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating.
The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person.
He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
DAY 1:
Dear Diary,
All packed for the cruise ship — my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. I'm very excited. Our local Red Hat chapter planned this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one, and I can't wait!
DAY 2:
Dear Diary,
Spent the entire day at sea. Beautiful! Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today — seems like a very nice man.
DAY 3:
Dear Diary,
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
DAY 4:
Dear Diary,
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino! Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal, complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
DAY 5:
Dear Diary,
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks.
Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship. I was shocked!
DAY 6:
Dear Diary,
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice.
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